|
Life's Rules
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
****head's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my
blood alcohol content.. [ MY SON]
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK,
everyone knows me here. [YUP]
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt
with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea</B>."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen
too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it
has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If
life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at
bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore
I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their
team is winning.
18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of
the bathroom door you're on.
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been.
|