Todays gem!

[LeloSKYLANM]

RANCH HAND


A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage & Hour Dept.
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.


"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been
here
for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then
there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90%
of all
the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and
board
and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[Skip]

You know what you started? Now the forum has a thread to put the joke of the day....We'll just call it as you have TODAYS GEM...Skip...

[Texas Red Line]

Two Drinking Buddies

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up Man I really need a drink! In response David replied,” You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell ’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!

[marlboromike]

terrible joke...not funny at all...sorry

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by marlboromike

terrible joke...not funny at all...sorry

Come on man, which one? Your leaving me hanging waiting for your approval.

[jayman]

I've got a great one about a nun who walks into a bar...oh wait, better not...

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by jayman

I've got a great one about a nun who walks into a bar...oh wait, better not...

No guts,

[SKYtime]

How about this one:

Japanese Fart

**A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. **

**So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. **

**She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."**

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by SKYtime

How about this one:

Japanese Fart

**A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. **

**So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. **

**She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."**

[marlboromike]

i liked it

[hotglue]

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

No guts,

A fur seal walked into a club......

[LeloSKYLANM]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime
outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real'
man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes ins ide to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women....

[jayman]

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice". The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America, we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

[SkySoldier]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.................Hey! It COULD happen!

[GetAboutRL]

his co-workers ask him what happen. He says "would you believe I got it in church?" "How" ask his buddies. "Well the lady in the pew in front of me got up to sing and I noticed her dress was tucked up between her cheeks, so I reach over and pulled it out and she turned and punched me in the eye."
The following Monday he shows up at work with his other eye black and blue. "Now tell us how the heck you got this one fella" his buddies busted on him. "Would you believe in church again?" he mourns. "I am seated behind that same lady and she rises to sing and her dress is stuck between her cheeks again when the guy next to me reaches over and pulls it out ... I sure know she hates that ... sooo I reached over and tucked her dress back between her cheeks ... yea .. she turned and punched me instead of the guy standing next to me." "I plan to sit in another pew this Sunday".

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by SkySoldier

An Irishman walks out of a bar.................Hey! It COULD happen!

I am Irish as well.

What's the definition of an Irish cocktail?

A pint of Guinness with a potatoe in it.

or there is this one:

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

[SKYtime]

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

I am Irish as well.

What's the definition of an Irish cocktail?

A pint of Guinness with a potatoe in it.

or there is this one:

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

That was funny!

[Mad4MySky]

Everybody love Johnny!

A teacher was teaching etiquette to her class one morning.

Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once, and show us your good manners."

With little hesitation Johnny said: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[AngelSky]

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

I am Irish as well.

What's the definition of an Irish cocktail?

A pint of Guinness with a potatoe in it.

or there is this one:

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

[AngelSky]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.