Todays gem!

[Leather]

Having reached the age of 60, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week.

After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The
woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my
wallet on the night stand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry,
but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.

"I'll have to go get it and come back later" ... I said.

At that point ... she said to me ... "Unbutton your shirt."

I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with
that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the
Canada Pension Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said ... "You should have dropped your
pants, you might have gotten disability, too.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Cardiologist's Funeral


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[LeloSKYLANM]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked?
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your Stance is too wide."

[LeloSKYLANM]

STAY!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there! I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a
strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in park?'

[LeloSKYLANM]

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how
to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley,
I
have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a
bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's
odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from
the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?" 'They said,
"Good morning, General."

[Texas Red Line]

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing aroom,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM,the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight,
let 's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Leather]

Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other.
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin
Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

[LeloSKYLANM]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and to those who don't.As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = HealthTherefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap ..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized, 'Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak..'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree .

Moral of the story: Bull s#&% might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and s#%& on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who s#%&$ on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s#%&$ is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s#%&, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[SKY 07]

LeloskyLANM..... Made me smile.... T.

[SKY 07]

YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

Something we should all remember.


A 92-year-old, polite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

'I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

'Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'

'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.

'Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. 'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.
I am still depositing.' Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Have a wonderful Day! T.
LIFE IS GOOD!

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: Sex Therapy

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Celt03]

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

[LeloSKYLANM]

Home Depot fixing door

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his
wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet
while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied,
'That's pewter and it costs $300.' 'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!'
Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent
her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt
yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

" No, but I will for the faucet."


And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[LeloSKYLANM]

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy he said; 'Son, that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

[SKY 07]

Two ways to look at 1 situation:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

[Co-driver]

Originally Posted by SKY 07

Because I AM a Man.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message to help women to better understand men.

I read this over my wife's shoulder and certainly take umbrage.

No, I am sorry this isn't a ‘man’ this is the Oprah-ized popular depiction of a man.

Because I am a man, I am not talking on a cell phone when I get out of the car. I don't lock my keys in.

Because I am a man, I know the basics of car performance and can recognize obvious problems, while also earning enough money to pay for another man to fix it when it is really broken.

Because I am a man, I am stressed more than a woman, have a diminished immune system and need a woman to do her job and take care of me.

Because I am a man, I can read a list, know what I want and purchase, with the money I have made.
If I can differentiate the marker lights between a ’71 & a ’72 Chevelle, I can buy spices.

Because I am a man, I has a basic knowledge of machinery, have a tool set my father gave me, that his father gave him and can fix just about everything around the house.

Because I am a man, I have an attention span longer than Nemo and should be the one to hold the remote, lest we would watch ‘american idol' all day.

Because I am a man, I don’t burden my wife with my problems, my problems are my problems, I also have her problems the house problems the cars’ problems and the dog’s problems, I am the strong silent type.

Because I am a man, I love my wife for who she is not; the trinkets, bobbles and war paint she puts on.

Because I am a man, I can do every chore in the house, as well as all the heavy lifting, spider killing, home defending and anything I know to do, before I am asked.

When it is all over I can even tell a joke…
How many Paramedics does it take to change a light bulb?
None, medics aren’t afraid of the dark.

It is time for men to stop rolling over and letting the pop-culture representation of ‘man-as-bumbling-buffoon’ go unchallenged.
Just because I occasionally drive a chick car doesn’t mean I accept the party line. -mk