Todays gem!

[reedred]

Pienso que Babelfish te falló, kktua! La broma no estaba correcta. Puedo comprender solamente la primera mitad:

Una monja caminaba por la calle cuando ella vino repentinamente sobre cuatro hombres...

¡Por supuesto, cualquier broma con Batman (El Señor de la Noche?) es aceptable con mí!

( I think Babelfish failed you, kktua! The joke wasn't right. I can only figure out the first half:

A nun was walking down the street when she suddenly came upon four men...

Of course, any joke with Batman is OK with me!)

[kktua]

A nun walk for the street, and 4 mens beat the nun, and when tey finished, they say..... "no... you aren,t batman or bab batman...."

[LeloSKYLANM]

What did you do today ?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on
cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women
are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.

[jayman]

[LeloSKYLANM]

Out of the mouths of babes! Kind of the same as being sober around
someone who has had too much alcohol!



A handful of 7 year old children were asked " what they thought of beer ".

Some interesting responses:
**********************************
7 year old Tim - " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he
drinks the prettier my mom gets "
************************************************** ********************
7 year old Mellanie - " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what
we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice "
************************************************** *********
7 year old Grady - "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when
she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this
is very funny "
************************
***********************************************
7 year old Toby - " My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the
more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
thing "
****************************** ***********************************
7 year old Sarah - "My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much "
*************************************
***********************************
7 year old Lilly - " My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. one time he danced right into the pool "
*********************************
******************************************
7 year old Ethan - " I don't like beer very much . Every time Dad drinks
it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting "

************************************************** **************************
7 year old Shirley - " I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep"
*********************************************
********************************
7 year old Jack - " My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense".

[nomead]

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny....... .... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last........ ......... .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[LeloSKYLANM]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Driving With Granddad
A grandfather, always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Pop Pop.

'Well,' the grandfather asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with Nana? '

'Oh yes, Pop Pop' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy **** head!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[LeloSKYLANM]

Dusty Underwear
________________________________

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we
should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment
go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my
underwear?"

She replied with a snicker.. "It's not talcum powder... It's Miracle Grow."

[LeloSKYLANM]

Country Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,'
and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

[LeloSKYLANM]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me."

[Ferny]

Here's the Security feature you've always wanted.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor's shows, Central Montana
is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor - Montana Style.'

The contestants will start in Billings, travel over to Bozeman, and on to
Butte .
Then they will head north to Helena , Great Falls , Conrad and Shelby.
From there they will proceed east to Havre and Malta. Then they will go
south to Grass Range and Roundup and the final leg will be back to Billings.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

'I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans
suck. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your
guns.'

The first one that makes it back to Billings alive wins.

[LeloSKYLANM]

I thought some of you might enjoy this. A "good ol farm boy from western Oklahoma" writes a column like this each week.


"What's Under My Hat" by Monte Tucker----------January 28, 2008

Howdy friends and neighbors. Come on first Tuesday in November! I have already had about all of the Presidential election I can stand. Surely, somewhere out there in this great nation is a "good ol' boy or gal," that is worth voting for. You know, someone that has actually done something, not just talked about what they think they have done. It's only the first quarter in the game between the R's and the D's. Both sides keep talking about time for change. Just what are they going to change? They obviously haven't changed the game of politics. Billary and Bama Lama Ding Dong boost the word "change" every time I see the media put their face on my boob tube.

The first place they could start changing things would be on the Senate floor that they're already on. Just go and look at their voting records for the last several months and you will find they aren't showing up to vote.You know, the job they campaigned so hard to get by promising "change," but they just don't have the time. McCain isn't immune from this either.

Let's talk "change." What in the world do these hot air compressors think they are going to change and why? Again, I'm just a professional bovine relocation specialist (it's the 21st century, we used to call them cowboys). But the way I see it from Sunny Point , Oklahoma , how are they going to change the greatest nation in the world? All of the candidates are demanding we must change! OK. I wake up a free man every morning and I'm free to do anything that is morally right or I can do nothing. If I choose to do something productive that day, well I can whistle at my dog, start up my ol' tan feed truck that I bought with the help of a free enterprising banking system I chose to use. Plus, there's the fact that other free Americans assembled this truck, and the companies that bought, sold and hauled parts and supplies to make that pickup possible. As I turn the key, ol' tans fires up on diesel fuel that a mean, nasty, big oil company conveniently made very accessible and affordable to me. I turn out of my land that I can freely own, onto a county maintained road that leads to any point in North America I would choose to go to that day. Also, in this country, I am free to own livestock and free to care for them so that the livestock will return a profit so I can repay my bank, buy my feed and fuel, and provide for my family. On Sunday Morning (or any other day that ends in "Y") my family is free to drive from our house on a ribbon of roads that lead to the Church of our choice and worship the real owner of all things we know, God. We can give praise to Him for all and especially for Jesus.

Why can't these hopefuls for the highest-ranking governmental seat see that it is just that simple? Provide me infrastru cture and protect me from these knot-headed whack's that think they can take away our freedom. Billary, Bama Mama or McNobrain aren't going to change anything. The foundations of this great country can't be changed by one person, no matter how much they think they can. As Americans, we have the right to succeed or fail and try again as we please. As a free man, I'm getting good at failing but I get smarter when I try again.

When presidential candidates tout change, the only thing I see in this country that needs changing is them. Life in America is good and for those that don't think so, you're free to leave at any time, go to another country of your choice and try to change it.

I'm Monte Tucker, and that is what's under my professional bovine relocation specialist hat. Wait, I'm not changing, that is what's under my COWBOY hat!

[LeloSKYLANM]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

[LeloSKYLANM]

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