Todays gem!

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

Skytime,
OK, you win, nothing but jokes from now on

Here is a funny one for Skytime.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Thanks TRL


Thursday Jun 19 2008 Late Nite Jokes Archive

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
Michelle Obama, Barack Obama’s wife, was on “The View” yesterday. She managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done: She got a word in edgewise.
President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at the campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash.
Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. Her friends had a surprise party for her. And someone asked her, “Were you surprised?” And she said, “Yeah — I had no idea it was my birthday.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Gay people are now allowed to marry in the state of California. Today, Iron Man married The Hulk.
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday to Paula Abdul — 46 years old today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Waaaay Beyond.
Tomorrow is the longest day of the year. Happens every year. That’s right — I’m having lunch with Regis.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Yesterday on “The View,” Barack Obama’s wife Michelle did the "fist-bump" with all the co-hosts, and then she said the fist-bump is “the new high-five.” After hearing this, John McCain asked, “What the hell is a high-five?”
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Britney Spears says she’s going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. Britney says she’ll spend the first couple of days getting to know the baby — and the rest of the month teaching it to drive.
In California, Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there. Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. If you haven’t gotten Paula a gift, you can’t go wrong with a new prescription.
Very embarrassing for her at her party: She showed up wearing the same dress as Ryan Seacrest.
Here’s some happy news: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are a couple again. It’s hard to keep track of that pair. And Tommy and Pamela.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Britney Spears’ sister, Jaime Lynn, gave birth to a baby girl. Which then gave birth to another baby girl.
If ever there were a job for Super Nanny, this is it. And Spider-Nanny, and Bat Nanny . . . send them all in there.
President bush was in Iowa surveying the flood damage. I’m not sure he learned from his mistakes after Hurricane Katrina [video of Bush fishing].
Barack Obama says he will not accept $85 million of public financing for his campaign. I guess he’s raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million . . . Here are some things you can buy with $85 million: 85 million items at the 99 cent store . . . $85 million could get you a whole summer’s worth of gas . . . or with $85 million, you could buy Heather Mills.

[LeloSKYLANM]

The Waiting Room
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my("ding a ling")he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with us seniors and your gonna lose!

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

The Waiting Room
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my("ding a ling")he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with us seniors and your gonna lose!

Wait a minute Snopes says that he wasn't 86, he was 82. They also say that the room wasn't full, it only had 5 people in it. She told him to refer to his nose not his ear. Finally, only three people laughed Come on....

[LeloSKYLANM]

I still think I can "HEAR" with my ({WEE-WEE}), unfortunately, the "Waiting room" is empty!!!??? TOO bad I was at the EYE Dr!

AH!!! the good "OLD" days

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: OH THE JOY OF COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: " What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Oper ator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plug ged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Bec ause there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

[duck833]

Okay, here's the plan:

1) Back off and allow those men who want to marry men, marry men.

2) Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women

3) Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

4) In three generations, there will be no democrats!!!

Man, I love it when a plan comes together!

[LeloSKYLANM]

The Urinal Is Too High ..


A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding
onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to
show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th.

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow
in the seventh.

[LeloSKYLANM]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.


It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like **** this morning.

[GetAboutRL]

"Four worms and a Lesson to be Learned"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead



Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[duck833]

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back, BITCH!


Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into huge pig in middle of road and dies.





Thought For the Day: If only men would listen

[LeloSKYLANM]

I did not write this, but I would probably vote for the person that did.

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language, speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Walmart' policy 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences, if convicted you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

God bless America

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: Pond Water

�An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.� The Amish farmer
shouts, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows **** in it".)



The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand
you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue
of Islam, speak to me in English."



The Amish farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[TulsaSky]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,
a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

For all the golfers enjoy

A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION: 'IS THE WORD SPELLED
P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?' SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR. 'P-U-T-T IS CORRECT,' HE REPLIED. 'PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING.'
-------------------------------

ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum
------------------------------

THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky
---------------------------
GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.
-----------------------------
I'VE HAD A GOOD DAY WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART.
- Buddy Hackett
---------------------------
RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T YOU? - Ben Hogan
-----------------------------
I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY

------------------------------
YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME.

JUST ASK MY EX WIVES. BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT NEITHER OF THEIR
HUSBANDS WORK.

- Lee Trevino

[LeloSKYLANM]

AT THE MARRAGE LICENSE OFFICE:

"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."


"Names?"


"Tim and Jim Jones."


"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."


"Yes, we're brothers."


"Brothers? You can't get married."


"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"


"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"


"Incest?" No, we are not gay."


"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"


"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."


"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been
denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get
married to a woman."


"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want
to marry Jim."


"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"


"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."


"Hi. We are here to get married."


"Names?"


"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."


"Who wants to marry whom?"


"We all want to marry each other."


"But there are four of you!"


"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and
me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express
our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."


"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."


"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"


"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."


"Since when are you standing on tradition?"


"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."


"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more
the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution
guarantees equal protec