Todays gem!

[LeloSKYLANM]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for th emselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[LeloSKYLANM]

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL



------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General Mac Arthur
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
---- -------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'

----------- --------- --------- ---------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;

If ATC screws up,... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[LeloSKYLANM]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian ."

[GetAboutRL]

"reedred" & most of us forum guys I guess are lesbian's too!

[duck833]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes rental car into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... 'Top o' the mornin' to ya'.

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees,' replies Tiger. 'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant. 'Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"

[LeloSKYLANM]

The Blonde and Her Expensive Double-pane Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo!' I told him, 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again!

[LeloSKYLANM]

Love story for golfers

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the
husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand
in his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50
years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'
Martha replied, 'Well Henry, I have to be honest
with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times
during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession,
but said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you
mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we
were married, and we were about to lose our little house
because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember
that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day
he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I
can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about
the second time?'

Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so
sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart
surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one
night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
charge.'

'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did
it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time.'

'Alright,' Martha said. 'So do you
remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and
you needed 73 more votes?'

[LeloSKYLANM]

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England ,
and English expatriates built the US railroads



Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the
gauge they used.


Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the
old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the
wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have
been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter
of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4
feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial
Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.


So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.


Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the
rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the
story:


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in
Utah The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a
bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The
tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses
control almost everything...and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling
everything else!!

[LeloSKYLANM]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Garden Grass

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here.....
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[duck833]

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra -orthodox men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek, newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!!!!

[Celt03]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So - since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her nope, that I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Now, Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[LeloSKYLANM]

"A car hit us both"
We need to start a rewards program!
Celt03 is reaching for the GOLD!
Thanks for the laugh!
Lelo

[GetAboutRL]

Our NEW OFFICE POLICY Has Been Upgraded:

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

We all maybe going to Hell in a hat basket ... but we lived a good life while it lasted!

[LeloSKYLANM]

The Tomato Company

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we
Can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
E-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. Crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
Address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You

have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4

months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the

day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.



Despite this, I plan to take time off during the next 12-18 months to

find a new position.



During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In

addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks

associated with my current job.



Oh yeah, if my search for th