Todays gem!

[LeloSKYLANM]

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.

Tension in every cockpit at Ft. Lauderdale Airport was running high.

Then, an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, "Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"

[LeloSKYLANM]

THE NEW PASSWORD
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password. Something he would use to log-on.. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bri ng this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:





P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied

***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[LeloSKYLANM]

Good Catholic Italian Joke


A little Italian boy enters the confessional. 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'


'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'


'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'


'My lips are sealed.'


'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads!'

[LeloSKYLANM]

Tree hugger....

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!

[tgrlily24]

Lady walks in to her plastic surgeon and wants to get her lips on her private parts tightened, but she says “doctor I want this done but you must promise you won’t tell anyone”...
The doctor replies "no one will hear it from me"
so she goes thru with the operation and awakes in her room with 3 large flower arrangements...well she is really mad at this point so when the doctor walks in to ask he how she is feeling after the operation... she said "I'm just so Mad I could spit "
The doctor said "you don’t like how it feels or looks?”
She says “no I’m mad because you told two other people about this”
He said "no I did not!” she says well how you explain the 3 flower arrangements..
Well he said “that one is from me I do this for all my patents and that one is from the anesthesiologist he also does it for all his patients’…. and the last one is from the guy down the hall….. He picks up the card and reads “Thanks for the new ears!"

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: How to save $5,000,000 with your vote




The President's pension currently is $191,300 per year, until he is 80
years old.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80, Sen. McCain would receive
ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
Sen.Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would
receive $4,973,800 in pension money.

Therefore it would certainly make more economic sense to elect McCain in
November.

How's that for non partisan thinking?
Didn't know I was a mathematical wizard, did you?

[LeloSKYLANM]

This fountain can actually make pictures and words with falling water. It's been described as working like an inkjet printer. Hundreds of nozzles create precise streams of water. Timed just right, images are created. This intelligent waterfall welcomes people to Canal City Hakata. That Japanese shopping complex was built around an artificial canal. There are several fountains at the complex. But this one takes the cake!

YouTube - ??????

[WVSooner]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

This fountain can actually make pictures and words with falling water. It's been described as working like an inkjet printer. Hundreds of nozzles create precise streams of water. Timed just right, images are created. This intelligent waterfall welcomes people to Canal City Hakata. That Japanese shopping complex was built around an artificial canal. There are several fountains at the complex. But this one takes the cake!

YouTube - ??????

Taylor Swift used something like that at the ACMs singing "Should Have Said No"



I think I am in love....

[LeloSKYLANM]

Boobs vs. Willies

A son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and
firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree ,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand, I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.'

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

> First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were
> receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
> They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
> by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary
> to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
> that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
> body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the
> sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
> withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
>
> 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
> students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
> minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
> anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
>
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
> said, 'The second most important quality is observation.
> I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
> finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's
> tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Message from,
Her Royal Highness,
The Queen


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

------------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

------------------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

-----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Pee, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!

[Texas Red Line]

Old ain't dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put
your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheel barrow over to that building that
you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia ,Mississippi, Florida))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

==================================== =================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Texas Red Line]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.??

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.’

[LeloSKYLANM]

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant
was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'MAY I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F**k you!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)...............

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: The Poor Man in Church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

'Tom was unable to hold me or the children,' she went on, 'and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

'Now,' she announced in a quavering voice, 'thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly t o the podium.

He said, 'I'm Tom.'

The entire congregation held its breath.

'I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.'