Todays gem!

[AngelSky]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[GreenDevil]

Originally Posted by AngelSky

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Haha, this is a great joke.

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by AngelSky

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Good one.

[fakebil]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?

[SKYtime]

Originally Posted by fakebil

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?

That's just horrible....

[jayman]

Why was the leper's hockey game postponed?...Too many face-offs

[jayman]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?...Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?...Matt

What " " " " " " " in a pile of leaves?...Russell

What " " " "" "" " in your stew?...Chuck

What " " " " " in your mailbox?...Bill

What " " " " " under your car?...Jack

[Skip]

Jayman you are a sick puppy...Skip...

[fakebil]

Chuck and Walter are lost on the tundra without supplies, starving and cold. They happen upon the carcass of an animal so rotten they can't even tell what it is. They're both disgusted, but Walter knows this is the only food they've seen for days. Chuck turns to go. "What are you looking for, Chuck? This could be the last food we'll ever see." Chuck won't even look at the rancid meat. Walter eats his fill and the two start off again for what they hope will be civilization. A couple of hours later, Walter doubles over and throws up all over the frozen ground. Chuck gets all worked up over this. "That's what I've been looking for, Walter, a hot meal."

[Skip]

Now you are a sick sick puppy...Skip...

[LeloSKYLANM]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE ANDTHINKING,
"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMM! ....OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES, YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.HE ANSWERED, "IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[LeloSKYLANM]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[deep_blue_sol]

Originally Posted by jayman

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?...Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?...Matt

What " " " " " " " in a pile of leaves?...Russell

What " " " "" "" " in your stew?...Chuck

What " " " " " in your mailbox?...Bill

What " " " " " under your car?...Jack

Hanging on the wall? Art

[BluSkyz]

Originally Posted by deep_blue_sol

Hanging on the wall? Art

Goin' over the fence?.......Homer

[LeloSKYLANM]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
>"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex
>with Nookie Green twice last month."
>
>The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
>Hail Mary's."
>
>Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has
>been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie
>Green twice a week for the last two months."
>
>This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
>
>"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
>
>"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
>
>At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
>sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters
>the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as
>she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
>priest Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
>green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the
>matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread
>apart.
>
>The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
>
>The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's
>just the reflection off her shoes.

[LeloSKYLANM]

A little southern courthouse humor -

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the
preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what
you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my
hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on
top of
his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and
says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

[Jeff]

Originally Posted by SKY #2041

The Difference Between A Republican & Democrat...I'll keep it
simple.

Senators Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when
they came to a homeless person. DC has a lot of them.


The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 Out of
his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.


Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless
person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave
him directions to the welfare office. She then reached intoThompson's
pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the
homeless person $5..


Now, do you understand the difference??

...So very true!!

[Jeff]

Originally Posted by BluSkyz

Goin' over the fence?.......Homer

One leg shorter than the other?............Eileen

[Jeff]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."


(I previously printed this on another thread)