Todays gem!

[TulsaSky]

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by TulsaSky

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

[videoguy]

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

I am Irish as well.

What's the definition of an Irish cocktail?

A pint of Guinness with a potatoe in it.

or there is this one:

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Oh an Irishman that spells like Dan Quail!

[reedred]

Originally Posted by videoguy

Oh an Irishman that spells like Dan Quail!

[dwasifar]

Originally Posted by videoguy

Oh an Irishman that spells like Dan Quail!

You mean "Quayle," don't you?

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by dwasifar

You mean "Quayle," don't you?

Thank you.
What a neophyte (not you but video guy) to take a joke posted a month ago from a joke thread and check it for spelling and then post a smart a—remark and in the process screw up the spelling of his comments. Then again it must be because, to quote Jayman, “he is a DFW”. As are all jokes on this thread, it was a cut and paste. It is presumptuous to attribute the joke text to an Irishman because the author is not noted.

[skyzthelimit]

Originally Posted by nomead

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Even thought President Bush wants"No child left behind" law to work... 7 out of every 10 people are Dyslixic, some more than others, but if your disphynocite that means no phonix , you cant pronounce and reconize words this will not matter where the letters fall in the word you cant read it either. How do I know this??? I have 2 "Left behind children with 5 of 10 types and the other has 3 of 10 , sooo Now what do I do? MR.Can't Read Myself BUSH ... He thinks our children are good to go off to fight a usless and never ending war, they are good enough to die for your mistakes but He wont make sure they can read one "hell any grade level would be o.k. also whats a DFW????

[fakebil]

Okay, this is admittedly a bit of a , but nomead's post wasn't really a joke (clever, but not a joke), and I'm always one for clearing things up.

Originally Posted by nomead

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

First of all, the first line does not follow the given rule of leaving the first and last letters alone. If it did, the sentence would read, "If you can raed tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid too."

Secondly, the whole thing is not that badly misspelled. More than half the words in the rewritten sentence are spelled correctly, and only one word is more than four letters long. In fact, in the main body, 44 out of the 99 words are spelled correctly and only 38 of the misspelled words are more than four letters long.

Finally, no one at Cambridge (in either England or Massachusetts) has stepped forward to claim this particular study. However, there is an interesting paper discussing related research, and explaining why most people can read this particular paragraph. Okay, I found it interesting; you might not.

BTW - if the supposition that letter order is all but irrelevant was true, anagrams probably wouldn't be nearly as much fun.

Originally Posted by skyzthelimit

...whats a DFW????

As far as I know, it stands for Dallas Fort Worth.

HIJACK OVER!!! Now I'll include a joke.

On her first day at a new school, this little girl has to stand up in front of the class and introduce herself. The little girl proudly stands up and says, "my name is Happy Butt." The teacher nearly falls out of his chair upon hearing this.

He can't believe thats what she said. "What is your name?" he asks, apprehensively.

The little girl repeats herself, "my name is Happy Butt."

The teacher is incensed. "Say your name the right way, or I'll have to call your parents and tell them about your language."

"My name really is Happy Butt." The girl sounds a little confused.

He sternly corrects her, "I happen to know that your name is Gladys, young lady."

"Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"

[nomead]

When I got that blurb in an email several years ago I read it and couldn't stop laughing from a combination of the silly appearance and amazed by the paradoxical ease with which I could read it.

It may not be "a joke" but it was (for me at least) very humorous!

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by skyzthelimit

also whats a DFW????

Check this thread.

Cool Car Forum in Texas

[roadsterrage]

Murphy's on his way home from the pub, weaving all over the road. McCarthy the cop pulls him over.

"Murphy, are ya drunk again?"

"Aye, that I am, McCarthy."

"Well did ya know yer wife fell out of the car about a half mile back?"

"Awww, thank God, McCarthy. I thought I'd gone deaf."



A couple nights later Murphy is on his way home again from the pub when all of a sudden he's headed straight for a tree. Swerving to the left he's headed right at another tree, then back to the right, then back to the left. Finally he gets the car stopped and McCarthy comes along.

"Aghhh, McCarthy. Good thing ya come by. I can't get me car outta this forest. Everywhere I go there's tree in front of me."

"Nahhh, yer just drunk, Murphy. That's yer air freshener."

[fakebil]

Did you here the one about the guy who walked into a bar?

It must've hurt.

[LeloSKYLANM]

As reported earlier some dirt bag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him.


The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.



Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A manhunt ensued.



The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.



SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.



Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel,"That's all the bullets we had."


--

[jayman]

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", George.

"I've got a problem," says George.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies George.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw puzzle on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie--put the cornflakes back in the box."

[RMFNSKY]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,













"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by RMFNSKY

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,













"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

Good one.

[jayman]

A Texan goes for a job at a blacksmiths.

The blcksmith asks, "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

The Texan replies, "No, but i once told a donkey to **** off."

[jayman]

How do you circumcise a Texan?

Kick his sister under the chin....