Todays gem!

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by TulsaSky

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) Turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, Told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and Big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes Have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother Tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no Baby planes because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother explain that to you.

Your on a roll.

[Texas Red Line]

Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[nomead]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[TulsaSky]

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need
you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to Create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."


"Oh, is that so? Tell me how.." Replies God.


"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."


"Well, that's interesting, show Me.


"So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.


"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,



( I love this! )



"Get your own dirt."

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by TulsaSky

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need
you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to Create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."


"Oh, is that so? Tell me how.." Replies God.


"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."


"Well, that's interesting, show Me.


"So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.


"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,



( I love this! )



"Get your own dirt."

Very GOOD!

[TulsaSky]

The Joy of Being Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in ' 08". I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[TulsaSky]

Quote of the Day
Black holes are where God divided by zero. Steven Wright


Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through.”

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets, and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

[LeloSKYLANM]

A Nun In Hooters
>
>
>
>A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local
>Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
>every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the
>lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However,
>when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked
>up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
>The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
>statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
>
>" Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the
>nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant
>After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
>just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went
>to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
>applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now
>they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a
>drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "
>You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig
>leaf on that statue, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"

[LeloSKYLANM]

One December day, a couple found an old straggly cat at their door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

They felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. They didn't know what to call her, so they named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let them know when they could come and get her.

The husband,(the complainer), said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that is was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. The husband and the vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls the husband 'El-Cheap-O', and the husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with the husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day the husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in...he had obviously seen the husband arrive. He looked straight at the husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally cleaned and shaved, so she now smells like a rose."

"Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even....

[LeloSKYLANM]

NOW THIS IS INFORMATION WORTH KNOWING!
A little known fact: A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!

[tym]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding Sky on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

NOW THIS IS INFORMATION WORTH KNOWING!
A little known fact: A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!

No credibility, its from A&M.

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

NOW THIS IS INFORMATION WORTH KNOWING!
A little known fact: A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!

No credibility, its from A&M. If it was from UT it would not be rounded and would be shown as 40.90909

[RMFNSKY]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'





So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything...

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by RMFNSKY

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything...

OMG!! That Was Too Funny!!
Thanks

[roadsterrage]

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........


But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

[cbg]

A guy walks into a bar with a sack over his shoulder, he tosses the sack on the bar and proclaims that he is the toughest SOB in the bar and can prove it.

He takes a big ole snapping turtle out of the bag, unzips his zipper and lets the turtle bite his ----.

After a minute or so he pokes the turtle in the eyes and it lets go, so he puts it back in the bag, and asks if anyone in the bar is tough enough to try it?

A little old guy in the back of the bar says I’ll try it if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by cbg

A guy walks into a bar with a sack over his shoulder, he tosses the sack on the bar and proclaims that he is the toughest SOB in the bar and can prove it.

He takes a big ole snapping turtle out of the bag, unzips his zipper and lets the turtle bite his ----.

After a minute or so he pokes the turtle in the eyes and it lets go, so he puts it back in the bag, and asks if anyone in the bar is tough enough to try it?

A little old guy in the back of the bar says I’ll try it if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.

EEEWWWWUE!