Todays gem!

[Texas Red Line]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Sky back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Sky to pick up chicks!

[GoThunda]

Originally Posted by TulsaSky

Quote of the Day
Black holes are where God divided by zero. Steven Wright


Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through.”

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets, and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

That is awesome!! I had to forward this one to my son the cop who told me to put a front plate on my car!!

[GoThunda]

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find north America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

[RedSkyMan]

A blind man and his dog walk into a store and he immediately begins to swing his dog around his head by its leash.
A store clerk runs over and ask the man if he needs help.
The man says no thank you, I'm just looking around.

[RMFNSKY]

I have no political convictions but I just thought this was funny..






SNOW WHITE & THE 7 DWARFS

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches she found there had been a cave-in and there was no sign of the dwarves.

Tearfully, she yelled into the mine entrance,
"Hello - Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine,
"Hillary Clinton will be the next President."

"Thank God," said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive."

[jayman]

An elderly man in Louisianna owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up nice...picnic tables, horseshoes, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they went to the deep end. One of them shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

MORAL: Some old men can still think fast...

[Texas Red Line]

A couple of Connecticut hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[jayman]

Q: How do you break a Texan's thumb?

A: Kick him in the ass

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by jayman

Q: How do you break a Texan's thumb?

A: Kick him in the ass

They got to be at least funny.

[jayman]

Q: Why do they throw **** on the walls at a Texan wedding?

A: To keep the flies off the bride

[jayman]

What did the Texan leper say to the hooker?

"You can keep the tip."

[Texas Red Line]

Q: Why don't Uconn Huskies fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

[Texas Red Line]

Q: What does the average University of Connecticut student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

[LeloSKYLANM]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first base ball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again
cheers "RUN!! RUN!!"

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard run!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back
down.. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie."

[Bobaloo]

Originally Posted by RMFNSKY

I have no political convictions but I just thought this was funny..

SNOW WHITE & THE 7 DWARFS

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches she found there had been a cave-in and there was no sign of the dwarves.

Tearfully, she yelled into the mine entrance,
"Hello - Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine,
"Hillary Clinton will be the next President."

"Thank God," said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive."

Hey, Texas Red Line, you're slipping.

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

Not funny and move it to the Frontier.

Oops, you missed another one...

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

Q: What does the average University of Connecticut student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Originally Posted by Texas Red Line

They got to be at least funny.

Oh, yeah, conditional humour. I forgot about double standards...

-Tom

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by Bobaloo

Hey, Texas Red Line, you're slipping.



Oops, you missed another one...





Oh, yeah, conditional humour. I forgot about double standards...

-Tom

What are you pushing for a defense attorney’s job? This is a joke thread, where is your joke?

Fair and Balanced:

West Lafayette News Report: Football practice in West Lafayette was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Joe Tiller, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Or maybe this one: It was reported that Purdue head football coach Joe Tiller will only be dressing twenty players for the Indiana game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

[scubasammy]

It’s the 16th century, the place Africa. After a fierce battle an English Cavalry soldier captured by the enemy is brought before the war council. “Englishman, you fought a good battle and were very brave. As a reward we will set you free if you can complete three tasks before the sun rises.” The Englishman responds that he will take the challenge and asks what the tasks are. “Englishman, there are three tents before you. In one is a barrel of our finest vintage which you will empty into yourself without spillage. The second tent holds a lion with an abscess tooth. You must pull the tooth and relieve the lion of its pain. As an Englishman you are probably well schooled in pleasuring a woman and now comes the third test. A slave girl, untamed and unsatisfied awaits you in the last tent.”

The Englishman prepares himself and enters the first tent. Sliding beneath the spigot he begins to slowly drink being careful not to let a drop spill as he is being watched closely. After more than a few hours he stagers from the tent and falls drunkenly into the lions lair. No one could have imagined the screams as the tent shook with the lions roar. Soon all was quite and the tribesman all thought the Englishman was dead, but just as the crowd was about to disperse the Englishman came crawling out of the second tent. Barely recognizable as human with not an inch of flesh uncovered with blood, every piece of clothing gone and weakly able to speak the Englishman asks “where is the girl with the abscess tooth?”

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by scubasammy

It’s the 16th century, the place Africa. After a fierce battle an English Cavalry soldier captured by the enemy is brought before the war council. “Englishman, you fought a good battle and were very brave. As a reward we will set you free if you can complete three tasks before the sun rises.” The Englishman responds that he will take the challenge and asks what the tasks are. “Englishman, there are three tents before you. In one is a barrel of our finest vintage which you will empty into yourself without spillage. The second tent holds a lion with an abscess tooth. You must pull the tooth and relieve the lion of its pain. As an Englishman you are probably well schooled in pleasuring a woman and now comes the third test. A slave girl, untamed and unsatisfied awaits you in the last tent.”

The Englishman prepares himself and enters the first tent. Sliding beneath the spigot he begins to slowly drink being careful not to let a drop spill as he is being watched closely. After more than a few hours he stagers from the tent and falls drunkenly into the lions lair. No one could have imagined the screams as the tent shook with the lions roar. Soon all was quite and the tribesman all thought the Englishman was dead, but just as the crowd was about to disperse the Englishman came crawling out of the second tent. Barely recognizable as human with not an inch of flesh uncovered with blood, every piece of clothing gone and weakly able to speak the Englishman asks “where is the girl with the abscess tooth?”