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Old 02-06-2012, 10:14 AM   #766 (permalink)
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Talk about a SENIOR moment!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”



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Old 02-09-2012, 12:20 PM   #767 (permalink)
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This one is "IFFY"

(I love being politically incorrect!)

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill
Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some
beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots,
and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!"
protests the Coloradan.


"Well yeah," says the cop; "but man, you can't use bait!"
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:15 PM   #768 (permalink)
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Great video clip!

Surfin´ Bulldog (Beach Boys - Surfin´ USA) - YouTube
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:30 AM   #769 (permalink)
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Butt Prints In The Sand


One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
and there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
when one must fight, and one must climb.
When one must rise and take a stand,
or leave their butt prints in the sand."
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:18 PM   #770 (permalink)
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Oh heck ya!

Occupy Golf Movement

WE NEED TO BE HEARD!!!

I am a member of golf's lower 99%.
I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to the professional level. I will never put in the practice time to be the best. I will never have the shots, skills, or mental toughness to make it in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.
However, I am a part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1% of golfers for what I do. It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and dedicated should make all that BIG money.

Where's my share? I'm a Victim!

The top 1% should pay for my club memberships and green fees and lessons, buy me new clubs, balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings. They can afford it. They are "The Rich". The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me. I think we should get together and occupy a golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who generally suck. Whining should get us something - maybe we'll make the cover of Time Magazine, garnish some public sympathy. Shoot, during this election year we may even get a law or two passed by legislators who want our votes.

PS. Don't mention this to tennis players. We thought of it first
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:18 AM   #771 (permalink)
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Paradoxical Quote of the Week:

"Fathom the Hypocrisy of a Government

that requires every citizen to prove

they are insured... but not everyone

must prove they are a citizen."


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Old 03-18-2012, 12:43 AM   #772 (permalink)
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Not sure who first said it, but it IS MY new motto!
"YOU CAN'T DRINK ALL DAY IF YOU DON'T START IN THE MORNING!"
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:39 AM   #773 (permalink)
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THIS WILL HAPPEN TO ALL OF US SOMEDAY



A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine
selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the
restaurant
had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an
elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:54 AM   #774 (permalink)
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THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:18 PM   #775 (permalink)
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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising in the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go
Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was
that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do
we need to go back to California and get a fresh one?









Ding-a-ling....

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......







A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, You'll walk again and everything, but your penis was
severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great, but they don't come cheap.
It will be roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I
understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your
wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops.
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:26 PM   #776 (permalink)
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SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds....
Since you are over 40 yrs old (maybe not) , you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test


How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S


Answers:





| | | | | | | | | |



1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert


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Old 10-23-2012, 01:25 PM   #777 (permalink)
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Adult Scrabble...
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my e-mail friends.


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Old 11-11-2012, 02:58 PM   #778 (permalink)
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New Mexico Syn Sets.

Just Lovely!Todays gem!-2012-11-08_17-07-49_514.jpg
Attached Thumbnails
Todays gem!-2012-11-08_17-07-55_516.jpg  
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:10 PM   #779 (permalink)
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Shoping at Costco,...

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to our congressman about this running amok Homeland Security crap, I did just as he had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that he was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.


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Old 12-23-2012, 09:17 PM   #780 (permalink)
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Psychiatrist vs Bartender


EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new Saturn Sky."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

FORGET THE SHRINKS. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
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