Todays gem!

[jayman]

Most excellent

[Texas Red Line]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and is pulled over by a Texas State Trooper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the State Trooper is because he is a New York lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas does. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas State Trooper’s expense.

The State Trooper, "Sir, license and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The State Trooper says, "Sir, you didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"Sir, you still didn't come to a complete stop,” says the State Trooper. “License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"Sir, the difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please," the State Trooper says.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"Sir, that sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the State Trooper says.

As soon as the New York lawyer is out of his car, the State Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving **** out of him and asks, "Sir, do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[reedred]

So you've moved on to NY jokes now? All right, then!

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They’re mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we’re not having any of that sh!t in Texas."

[jayman]

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea, Paddy yelped, "Saemus, I've lost me bleedin' finger!!!"

"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do that?"

"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"




Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin' up the country road in near darkness. "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into a graveyard----look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105."

"Jumpin Jaysus, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin"

[Skip]

An Alabama State trooper pulled a guy over for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked, Do yall have any ID. The driver said, About what?...Skip..

[fakebil]

On her first day of school, the little girl had to get in front of the class and talk about herself for one minute without stopping. She said her name, how old she was, where she came from, and the name of her cat. The teacher said her minute wasn't up yet, so she talked about her favorite book and how annoying her little brother is. She still had time to fill, but couldn't think of anything else to say. Trying to help, one of the other students called out, "what's your favorite color?"

The little girl replied, "passionate pink."

Gasps and titters of laughter filled the room.

With an icy stare, the teacher told her to watch her language. "We don't talk that way around here."

"What's so bad about saying passionate pink?"

The teacher stood up, and the class fell deathly silent.

Without a word, she grabbed the little girl's wrist and stormed off to the principal's office. When they arrived, the confused child sat by herself outside the office door while the two irate adults were talking. Finally, she was taken inside the office. After what seemed like an eternal silence, the stern faced man behind the giant wooden desk grunted angrily at her, "what do you have to say for yourself?"

"All I said was that my favorite color is passionate pink," she sheepishly replied as a small tear rolled down her cheek. The teacher turned away as the principal picked up the phone. Moments later, a police car pulled up to the school, and two large officers locked her in the back seat.

They drove to a small wooden dock at the far end of the bay, where a rickety boat was waiting. They handed the girl over to a grizzled old sailor, who put her in the ships brig. "I wanna make sure not to hear yer foul-mouth, little girly," he said through his thick beard.

The girl had no idea how long she had been at sea, but she knew she couldn't cry any longer. Finally, the sailor took her up on deck. She could see a deserted beach a short distance from the boat. She was lowered to the water on a small boat and told to row for the small island that would surely be her prison.

She had only been on the beach for a short time when a kindly woman came out of the jungle. Without saying a word, she offered the girl some food and water. The little girl hesitated. The woman reassured her, "you have nothing to fear from me. You must be thirsty after your ordeal, take some water." Her voice was so comforting, the little girl couldn't help but relax a little. "Do you know why you're here, child?"

"I think it's because I said something bad."

"What did you say?"

"I'd better not say it again; you might get mad at me, too."

"You won't be punished for your words here. On this island, we talk about things freely."

"Okay, I said my favorite color is passionate pink." She cringed, waiting for something bad to happen, but nothing did.

"You aren't alone here. Everyone who lives on this island was sent here, as you were, for saying something the people on the mainland didn't like. I was sent here for saying I like katsup on my hot dogs. You have nothing to fear, let me show you around your new home."

As they walked toward the trees, the little girl saw a path. It wasn't far before she stated seeing beautiful houses, shops, and well kept gardens. On the other side of the town's main street, she saw children happily playing in a park. One of the children was even wearing her favorite color, passionate pink. The little girl got so excited she ran toward the park. In the middle of the street, a passing car hit and killed her.

What is the moral of this story?

Look both ways before crossing the street.

[SKY HAWK]

This cowboy rides up to the saloon and thinks he might stop in for a drink. He gets off his horse, walks around to the back of the horse, lifts up the tail and then kisses the horse right on the butt. The cowboy then heads into the saloon to get himself a drink.

The Bartender says, "I know it’s none of my business, but did you just kiss your horses rear end???"

"Sure did", says the cowboy. "I've got chapped lips."

The Bartender asks, "Does that get rid of them?"

"I don't know", replies the cowboy, "But it sure stops me from licking them!"

[SKY HAWK]

Little Billy and his Dad were down at the autocross watching the Sky Redlines zipping through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Sky Redline driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both, son."

[Texas Red Line]

A cocky Texas Environmental Protection Department employee stopped at a ranch and talked to an old rancher. He told the Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for a environmental impact study."

The old rancher said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Environmental Protection employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Texas to go where I want. See this card? This card allows me to go where ever I wish on any ranch land."

So, the old rancher went about his ranch chores. A few minutes later, he hears loud screams from the direction of his field and sees the Environmental Protection employee running full speed for the fence. Close behind was the ranchers prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest of hornets and gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out,

"Show him your card !"

[WVSooner]

My all-time favorite joke. And for those who find it a groaner, I apologize in advance.

Did you all hear about the cargo ship sailing from Taiwan to San Francisco with the load of yo-yos? It got caught in a typhoon and sank 42 times.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by WVSooner

My all-time favorite joke. And for those who find it a groaner, I apologize in advance.

Did you all hear about the cargo ship sailing from Taiwan to San Francisco with the load of yo-yos? It got caught in a typhoon and sank 42 times.

I don't get it.!???

[LeloSKYLANM]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My
Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged
to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor
darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So,
Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our
Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so
happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all
worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice
girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary,
you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up
and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,
"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It
says herpes is a disease affecting the Gentiles."

[cerberus]

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

I don't get it.!???

Yo-yo'd up and down, up and down. Time for another beer.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by cerberus

Yo-yo'd up and down, up and down. Time for another beer.

Got it. Time to go to GOOD SCOTCH! (Or Irish)

[SKY HAWK]

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree." "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance." So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?" "Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by SKY HAWK

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree." "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance." So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?" "Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

Your bad, man.