Todays gem!

[SKYtime]

Amen, brother!

[SKY HAWK]

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder causing the dust cloud and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, and it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

[LeloSKYLANM]

This is hilarious! Enjoy!


http://www.youtube.com/v/-LBEWpjdp_4

[krisis7]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Johnny, "he lived such a long life cause he minded his own F'ing business!!"

[kwayne]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...

Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea.

"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Texas Red Line]

Originally Posted by kwayne

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...

Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea.

"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[hdwizard]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and you were worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents
and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it
happened, Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We
never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a
fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the
tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird
until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said with a bus that old, you have to expect
something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty. If it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with
45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the
trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy.

Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how
to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we
ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys
were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster
Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he
would sink because of the cast. It's concrete because we didn't have
any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.

You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working
on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a
tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said
it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He
said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad
he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how
to get things done better while he was doing his time and after he
changed his name. By the way, what is a pedal file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Jimmy

[joker70]

Did you know...


Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"..and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work : Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness : 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wildernes! s : 38%
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven : $6,400
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour : 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history :
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
---------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to

[jayman]

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.

They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second blonde sees what happens and says, "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says, "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

[hdwizard]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[fakebil]

Just because someone says it with authority doesn't make it true. Did you have to do such a long list?

Originally Posted by joker70

Did you know...

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"..and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work : Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness : 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness : 38%
-------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven : $6,400
-------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour : 61,000
-------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
-------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history :
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
-------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
-------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
-------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
-------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
-------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
-------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
-------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
-------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
-------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
-------------------------------------------

I do have more lengthy responses if anyone wants to know more, but here's the short version:

No, and For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge is just a great album.

No, "Mary Kay and Johnny" (1947) and "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet" (1952) both beat out the Flintstones (1960).

No

It could just be that men really don't listen.

No, it has always been brown. They did originally put cocaine in it; now they just use decocainized coca flavor.

I'm sure someone can, but why would you want to?

Where else would Alaskans walk?

C'mon, the Sahara alone is almost as big as the U.S., and that seems kinda wildernessy.

I guess that depends on what you feed the dog.

Does that count people jumping off buildings?

What does that say about people without hair?

Maybe, but it could've been "Life on the Mississippi." It certainly was something by Samuel Clemens.

They aren't National Monuments. They're National Historic Landmarks, and they're neither the only mobile ones of those, nor are they the only ones on tracks.

Only the French ever did that, and they didn't always agree about who they represent.

That one's cool in a nerdy sorta way. Try this: start with 1 x 1, then 11 x 11, and so on, and see the results.

I really upset a D.C. tour guide once by pointing out the statues that didn't fit the "code."

Thomson was not a signatory of the Declaration of Independence. He was the Secretary of Congress, not a delegate.

Maybe those people were born in the middle of some really good twisties.

No

What about one thousandth?

Yes and no, but women do invent a lot. We should all be grateful to Vicki Valchaki for two of her creations.

It can, but it is really tough to do.

Between cel phones and all-inclusive home service, that won't last much longer.

That phrase was only coined about 150 years ago.

The original meaning was more derisive than that, and, again, it wasn't coined that long ago.

No one knows about that one; that is one of about six possibilities.

That one isn't even close.

What percentage of people will believe whatever comes into their inbox, and what percentage won't care at all?

I already did a post on this one.

[hdwizard]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair was three wide strips of adhesive tape. The kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

"Get well soon . . . From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week!"

[GetAboutRL]

Picture on the nightstand..

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of anotherMan on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be. Reassured No, no, no!
You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands! That's me before the surgery."

[CJsSky]

Someone told me this story, and I just had to share

There are three cars crossing the desert. A Solstice, a Sky, and a MS3. After driving for a few hours,
their fuel nearly exhausted, they get to a point were the bridge is out to cross a gully.

Being it was too far to drive back, they set out on foot across the gully to the next town.
Before they left, they decided each of them should bring something for the walk.

After a couple hours of walking, the Sol and Sky driver stop to wonder why the MS3 driver
is lagging so far behind. While waiting, they look to one another and ask what each brought
along for the walk. The Sol owner says he knew they would get thirsty so he brought some
water. The Sky driver says that this was a good idea. The Sky owner brought some
food, for he knew they would get hungry along the way.

The MS3 driver finally caught up. He was standing there with the door from his car. The Sol
and the Sky driver look at him and ask, what he brought? The MS3 driver looks back and
says, “I brought my car door of course.” The two exclaim, “why did you bring that heavy car
door?” The MS3 drive says, “well I knew it would get hot, so I brought the car door so I could
roll down the window to cool off.”

[LeloSKYLANM]

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'