Todays gem!

[Skip]

My ex has the newer version, an upright vacuum cleaner...Skip...

[Celt03]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

[roadsterrage]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"


"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
>

[LeloSKYLANM]

And you also find out interesting thingswhen you have sons, like...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.< /FONT>

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy..

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[Blackhawk]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking
out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary,
and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained
to the husband that his going price for snuffing out
a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,
but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up
front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside.
Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to
the local Super
Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the
produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and
as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped
to the floor the
manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses
behind, ol'Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's
security guard, who
immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even
leave the store. Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared............











(You're going to hate me for this . . )





























"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!"

[jayman]

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how many people get out of New Orleans...

[duck833]

Last words


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I look horrible.

I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband pauses for a moment and then replies... "Your eyesight's
damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot ...

[duck833]

TWAS THE NITE BEFORE THANKSGIVING .....

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moaning' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings - who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, crap it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY

[Texas Red Line]

How To Cook A Turkey!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Celt03]

OMG - NOW THAT IS FUNNY !!

[Va_Sky]

I posted this one else where and was asked why I didn't post it here so here goes. Heard this joke the other day on the radio. A Children’s Sunday school teacher asked her class what the bible said about marriage. One child raised his hand and said Forgive Them Father For They Know Not What They Do...

[RedHeaded RedLine]

Originally Posted by jayman

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?...Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?...Matt
What " " " " " " " in a pile of leaves?...Russell
What " " " "" "" " in your stew?...Chuck
What " " " " " in your mailbox?...Bill
What " " " " " under your car?...Jack

What " " " " girl with a wooden leg... Peg
What " " " " girl with just 1 leg...Eileen -J

[KentuckySky]

Originally Posted by RedHeaded RedLine

[color=purple]
What " " " " girl with just 1 leg...Eileen -J

You could also call her "Anita" as in....Anita Legg!

[LeloSKYLANM]

Originally Posted by jayman

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?...Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?...Matt

What " " " " " " " in a pile of leaves?...Russell

What " " " "" "" " in your stew?...Chuck

What " " " " " in your mailbox?...Bill

What " " " " " under your car?...Jack

Girl " " " " " in a frying pan?....Patty

[Texas Red Line]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Texas Red Line]

Talk about being schizo, I have to post this one also.

President Clinton was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Al? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."

[RedHeaded RedLine]

A blond a brunette and a redhead are all outside the OB-GYN office.
The brunette says “I am so happy, we just found out we’re pregnant, and because I was on top when we conceived we are going to have a girl”.
The redhead says “We just found out we’re pregnant too, and because I was on bottom when we conceived we are going to have a boy”.
It is at that moment the Blond starts balling crying. They ask her, “Sweetie what’s wrong?





Sobbing she says…”I’m gonna have puppies” -J

[LeloSKYLANM]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

A NASA o fficial accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.

The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned.

After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE *******S. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."