Todays gem!

[krisis7]

I was having some issues with my wife's mood swings so I bought her a mood ring for Christmas so I could monitor her moods.

I've discovered that when she is in a good mood the ring turns green.

When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big F'in red mark on my forehead.


Maybe next year I'll buy a diamond.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Some very interesting facts ......

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.
This collection of human body facts will leave you
wondering why in the heck we were designed the way
we are.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know fully well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your
thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their
thumbs to their noses as well ....

[LeloSKYLANM]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well,

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

[LeloSKYLANM]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom in its wrapper.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[SKYtime]

Definitely one of my favorites. I still chuckle each time I read it.

Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well,

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

[kwayne]

Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwickwere involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Have a Good Day"...

[LeloSKYLANM]

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service.
It is hard to argue with this cowboy logic.
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled.
All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

[LeloSKYLANM]

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

[SKY HAWK]

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[oakfarm]

Temperature Conversion Chart

@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Ohio go swimming in the Rivers.

@ +60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Ohio plant gardens.

@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ohio sunbathe.

@ +40 degrees
Italian &English cars won't start.
People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Erie water gets thicker.

@ +20 degrees
Floridians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.

@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Ohio have the last cookout before it gets cold.

@ +10 degrees
People in Miami all die.
Buckeyes lick the flagpole.

@ 0 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Ohio get out their winter coats.

@ -10 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

@ -25 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Ohio Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold
enough.

@ -30 degrees
Mount St. Helen's freezes.
People in Ohio rent some videos.

@ -40 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Buckeyes get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

@ -45 degrees
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.

@ -60 degrees
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Ohio start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

@ -100 degrees
Hell freezes over.
The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl!

[Texas Red Line]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

[SkyMarshall]

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.


The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.


Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.


Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.


Back came a reply in true USMC style:


Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.


Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.


Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar and none tactical vehicle (Patrol car) was destroyed.


Thank you for your concerns............ Semper Fi

[LeloSKYLANM]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The Haircut[/font][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.


"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
[/font]

[jayman]

Q: How does Michael Jackson feel about 28-year olds?



A: He would absolutely LOVE twenty eight year olds...

[SKY 07]

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an a--hole."

[LeloSKYLANM]

Life's Rules


1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
****head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my
blood alcohol content.. [ MY SON]

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK,
everyone knows me here. [YUP]

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt
with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea</B>."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen
too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it
has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If
life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at
bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore
I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their
team is winning.

18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of
the bathroom door you're on.

20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been.

[LeloSKYLANM]

Subject: Answers on a Walmart job application

.hmmessage P{padding-right:0px;padding-left:0px;padding-bottom:0px;margin:0px;padding-top:0px;}BODY.hmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}OK......... Here is your morning laugh. I sure laughed, I hope you do to.

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to
Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-