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post #856 of 900 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 12:35 PM
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Intelligent Radio

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working.

"Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Azzhole...", she muttered. And from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States...





Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

The Constitution is essentially an obsolete charter of negative liberties. Barack Obama
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post #857 of 900 (permalink) Old 01-13-2014, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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From a teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?


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post #858 of 900 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Lip reading.

This was surprising,...

Bad Lip Reading Is Back with Another Hilarious NFL Version | Bleacher Report


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post #859 of 900 (permalink) Old 02-15-2014, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Adopt a Terrorist. - Too Good to Miss...

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes
Bldg., 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned
Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmedbin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your
concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
Good luck and God bless you.


Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National
Defense


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post #860 of 900 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 06:56 PM
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Don't believe everything you read.
Always check it out on Snopes.com or Breakthechain.org to see if it is real.

As much as I like this story, it's not true.


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My SKY was love at first sight, that's why it's stock. . .on the outside
When you turn your car on, does it return the favour?
How can you expect me to stay grounded when I always drive in the SKY. . . on the Redline....
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post #861 of 900 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


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post #862 of 900 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Wow!

Prototype Quadrotor with Machine Gun! - YouTube


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post #863 of 900 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 09:22 PM
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I hope you realize it's fake though...
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post #864 of 900 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tf02 View Post
I hope you realize it's fake though...
and YOU know that for a fact,...
HOW DO YOU you know?
You are saying "Photo Shop" or "Movie Shop" ?


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Last edited by LeloSKYLANM; 03-05-2014 at 11:06 PM.
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post #865 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-07-2014, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Littlt Johnnie

LITTLE JOHNNY





A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good Jamey, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "********."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“Well my mother has one, and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"


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post #866 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-07-2014, 05:23 PM
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Claire finishes her shopping at the grocery and choses the nearest checkout line. As she unloads her cart she notices how handsome the cashier is. He is shyly glancing over at her as he waits on the two other customers and giving her little smiles. They continue to make eye contact until it her is turn in line.

"Hi, I'm Mark" he says.
"Hi, I'm Claire" she says as her face slightly flushes.
Glancing down at her items on the counter, Mark looks up and says, "Claire, you must be single"
Looking down at her items, she notices that everything is very generic and does not scream out 'I'm not married'. Impressed that he must be in tune with women and very sensitive, she replies,
"That's so sweet! How did you know?"
With a little chuckle he says flatly, "because you're fat and ugly!"
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post #867 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-20-2014, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Today on a SOL site

Long, (10 min.) but worth the watch,
Lelo,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=yPQ44RDOAx4


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post #868 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-20-2014, 12:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeloSKYLANM View Post
Long, (10 min.) but worth the watch,
Lelo,
Excellent! Thank You!!
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post #869 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-20-2014, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MARVIC 1 View Post
Excellent! Thank You!!


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post #870 of 900 (permalink) Old 05-21-2014, 12:40 AM
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Almost woke my family LMAO at that one. Thanks! Will share.
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