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A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."
 

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Johnny's class has been discussing world affairs and this included the famine in Africa. Johnny's teacher says "Class. We have said that a picture is worth a thousand words. Your homework assignment is to draw a picture that shows starvation."

The next day the teacher asks the class who would like to show their drawing. Johnny is screaming "ME,ME,ME". But the teacher, being well aware that Johnny is a crude little so-and-so calls on little Suzy. Suzy's picture shows a large circle with a very small circle in the middle. The teacher says "That's very interesting Suzy, what does it show?" Suzy replies "It's a dinner plate with one pea on it and that shows starvation." The teacher says "That's very good Suzy. Who wants to be next?" Again Johnny is screaming "ME,ME,Me", but it's still early in the day and the teacher calls on little Billy instead.

Billy's drawing shows a large circle with a small oval in the middle. The teacher says "That's very interesting Billy, what does it show?" Billy replies "It's a dinner plate with only one bean on it and that shows starvation." The teacher says "That's very good Billy." By now Johnny is screaming at the top of his lungs and leaping up and down on his desk top. The teacher decides she might as well get it over with and says "Oh, alright Johnny, lets see your drawing.

Johnny's drawing shows a large circle with many wiggly inter connecting lines. The teacher asks Johnny "How does a plate of spagetti show starvation?" Johnny replies "That's not a plate of spagetti, it's an ******* full of cobwebs and if that don't show starvation, nothing does!"

The teacher fainted again.
 

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The site blacked out the most important word in the punchline! :banghead:
 

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Discussion Starter #25
MEXICAN OYSTERS !!!!!!!!!

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are called Cojones de Toro, Bull's testicles from the bull fight
this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter
replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
 

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Discussion Starter #26
A weeks worth of "Southern Gems"


THE SOUTH

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Georgia women.

**************************************************
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.


" A tough call,"nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

****************************************************

Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


****************************************************

Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?


"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."


*****************************************************

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout! whut?"


****************************************************

North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
*************************************************
And My favorite:

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!

 

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Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
 

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Discussion Starter #28
- The Italian Golfer -


An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a
check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in
and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"
and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight
and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and
all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old
and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the
topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian
and he's a golfer too."

Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old
was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years
old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
the doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's
getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
 

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Discussion Starter #29 (Edited)
OH OH! here we go!


The Difference Between A Republican & Democrat...I'll keep it
simple.

Senators Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when
they came to a homeless person. DC has a lot of them.


The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 Out of
his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.


Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless
person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave
him directions to the welfare office. She then reached intoThompson's
pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the
homeless person $5..


Now, do you understand the difference??

 

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An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
 

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Haha, this is a great joke.
 

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Good one.:thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:
 

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Why was the leper's hockey game postponed?...Too many face-offs:D :ack:
 

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?...Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?...Matt

What " " " " " " " in a pile of leaves?...Russell

What " " " "" "" " in your stew?...Chuck

What " " " " " in your mailbox?...Bill

What " " " " " under your car?...Jack
 

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You can blame this one on a certain someone's signature.

Chuck and Walter are lost on the tundra without supplies, starving and cold. They happen upon the carcass of an animal so rotten they can't even tell what it is. They're both disgusted, but Walter knows this is the only food they've seen for days. Chuck turns to go. "What are you looking for, Chuck? This could be the last food we'll ever see." Chuck won't even look at the rancid meat. Walter eats his fill and the two start off again for what they hope will be civilization. A couple of hours later, Walter doubles over and throws up all over the frozen ground. Chuck gets all worked up over this. "That's what I've been looking for, Walter, a hot meal."
 
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