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I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.
Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it in to future generations.
George Bernard Shaw
The future generations are content with a solar LED...:banghead:
 

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A man visiting a doctor says, "Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment."

The doctor replied, "But you are not one of my patients."


The man said, "I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.
 

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Discussion Starter #884
Husband to wife, Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife cant take it and asks her husband since last week, you have been saying Today is a fine day. I am fed up. Whats the matter?

Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you……"
:D
 

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Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"


Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"

"Seven and a half carats." :D
 

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Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Confucius

:cool:
 

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"....I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED
 

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. McNick said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1. You have a dirty mind
2. You didn't read your homework, and
3. One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 

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Discussion Starter #891
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. McNick said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1. You have a dirty mind
2. You didn't read your homework, and
3. One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
ROFL!!! Thanks MB! :thumbs:
 

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Two different long-married fiftyish ladies at work (years apart) have each tried to show me how big six inches is by holding up a single delicate hand near their faces. Both were short. The one who was farther off the mark- her fingers looked like a lower case c and were 3 inches apart tops- was very insistent until I finally had to say, "Joe has obviously been lying to you for a very long time!"
 

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With a puzzled look on his face, an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my older sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" :thumbs:
 

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Battery
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last as long as that."
 

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Different Vacation

I said, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and me wife got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and me wife got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if me wife didn't get pregnant again."

My buddy asked me, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

I said, "This year I'm taking me wife with me." :lol::thumbs:
 

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Discussion Starter #898 (Edited)
The FORCE!

Sorry, bad link.
 

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Discussion

Two strangers were seated next to each other on a long flight when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shlt?":D
 
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